The King of Queens Quotes
------------------------------------------------------------Doug: I told you already, my dentist died six years ago....
Carrie: Just because your dentist dies does not mean you are free from ever going to one again.....
Deacon: Why don't we watch the game at my house?
Doug: Cause i have real food here, you only have fruit. No way i'm watching the boxing while eating a nectarine!
Doug: Friends keep you away from TV.
Carrie: Hasn't anyone said you look like someone?
Doug: Oh, you mean like every famous fat guy in every movie ever?
Spence: Oh my God! My TiVo thinks I'm gay!
Arthur Spooner: Why do we have to sit so close to the kitchen? Is it because we're BLACK?
(Doug and Deacon are locked in a refrigerated truck with penguins)
Doug Heffernan: "Warning: Please retain key as refrigerated trucks are not equipped with interior door handles". Mother of ASS!
Arthur Spooner: Permission to buy a parrot and name him Douglass. Arthur Spooner: Permission to buy another parrot and name him Douglass II.
Deacon Palmer: Douglas S. Heffernan... whats your second name? Doug Heffernan: Steven. And yours? Deacon Palmer: George.
Doug Heffernan: Thanksgiving, man. Not a good day to be my pants.
Doug Heffernan: There's no better feeling in the world than a warm pizza box on your lap.
Arthur: Well, time for work. The pretzel store awaits.
Doug: Off to the salt mines, huh?
Arthur: I don't follow.
Doug: It's just an expression. Plus, you work in a pretzel store.
Arthur: (confused look)
Doug: Pretzels have salt...
Arthur: Well, that's 10 seconds of my life I'm never getting back.
Arthur: You're not throwing out these rubber bands, are you?
Carrie: They're all broken, Dad.
Arthur: So...you tie the ends together and they're just as good as new, Mrs. Rockefeller! (heads downstairs with the rubber bands) Well, there goes my day off! Right out the window!!
Carrie: You know there's more to do in life than sitting on your ass watching TV.
Doug: Oh yeah, like what?
Carrie: I know, why don't I buy you that walkman so you can tone your abs like you said.
Doug: Oh...that was NEVER gonna happen and you KNOW it.
Doug: Carrie, you awake?
Carrie: Yea, you?
Doug: Well, I asked you, so, uh, yea.
Doug: I`m sorry. I'm not embarrassed by you. Carrie: That's nice coming from a man whose wearing his house as a belt.
Arthur: Ice cream cones are not meant to be eaten on the move!!
Arthur: If you ever need to get ahold of me just call 555-LOGS!!
Doug: I guess 555-NUTBAG was already taken!
Arthur: You love your parents more than me, admit it! Doug: Done.
Arthur: Douglas! Are you alright? I heard someone screamin' like a bitch!
Carrie: I just realized with you I need to lower my expectations. Doug: The lower you go, the happier you'll be.
Doug: I can't believe I opened a 300 dollar bottle of wine. Danny: I can't believe I bought a rabbit!
Doug: Okay, a tie that looks exactly like a trout is stupid?!
Doug: Boy, the Chinese really dropped the ball when it came to the desserts, huh? Carrie: I know. It's like, what, you can't jam a fortune into a piece of fudge cake?
Arthur: I don't want cheese out of pity. I want cheese out of love!!
Doug: Eating is not cheating!
Arthur: Douglas can you do me a favor and discreatly set the drapes on fire. Doug: Are things going that bad? Arthur: Yes. She is diseased and terribly boring!
Doug: That's offensive. I take my church very seriously. Arthur: I'm sorry. While you're there, say hi to the Easter bunny for me will ya?
Woman: What kind of cake is this? Arthur: It is called fast cake. It tastes better the faster you eat it.
Arthur: I've got news for you, sweetheart. Tonight was the first night I felt alive since you dragged me into this house. But you couldn't stand to see it, could you? No, you had to hobble me like that fat broad in Misery!
Doug: How beautiful was that. I hand the girl a strategically folded coupon hiding the expiration date...she hands me a supersize popcorn. Carrie: Yeah, way to go. You outsmarted a 13-year-old girl with an eyepatch.
Arthur: But i am basement Artie, i certainly would'nt want to lose that moniker.
Carrie: It's not bad! It's being thrifty. Doug: No, it's being shoplifty.
Doug: Life is a big trip and we all have to stop for gas sometimes.
Arthur: (to Doug) What's troubling you, son? You never looked heavier.
Doug: We're the Heffernans...we've got Heffervescence
Doug: Loafers AND a musical? You're really gayin' me up!
Doug: Happy mozzarella trails? Note slut.
Spence: Oh my God!! Tivo thinks im gay!
Carrie: Excuse me? I'm not gonna throw food at my father. Doug: What about that chicken leg last week? Carrie: He threw peas at me first!!
Doug: You obviously don't understand what's going on here. I'm talking high def...High def. Carrie: Ohhh, yeah...that means nothing to me.
Arthur: Ah, you don't know your ass from your elbow
Doug: My God. How much of that tanning stuff are you using?! Carrie: None. Doug: None?! You look like Seal!
Arthur: In my book, the losers are the real winners. Doug: Then what are the winners? Arthur: They're still winners. You can't take that away from them Douglas. After all, they did win.
Arthur: See, you simply put the Arthur Head screwdriver into the corresponding "A" hole of the screw.
Doug: By the way, don't bother bringing him (Kirby) by the house this year. Deacon: Why not? Doug: Stupid Arthur smashed the pumpkin all over our backyard. Huge mess. Plus the neighorhood cats are taking their sweet ass time licking it up.
Doug: (walking in as Arthur is walking up) Hey Arthur, what did you do today? Arthur: Oh, I had a busy day: Long story short, the shag carpet's all the same length...
Doug: Why don't you let Mr. Hofferman play guitar for you. I'm sure it sounds even fruitier underwater. Carrie: Yeah? Well the fruitiest thing I've seen underwater is you my friend!
Doug: So what movie are we seeing, anyway? Carrie: Casablanca. Doug: Ugh. A black and white movie. Carrie: It's a great movie. Dad, back me up here. Arthur: Casablanca? Never saw it. Carrie: You must have. Humphrey Bogart owns a cafe, Ingrid Bergman... Arthur: Don't ruin it for me!
Doug: Some guy from the senior center called and wants you to take over for the weekend Arthur: I can't...Or can I? The will is their but do I have the stamina? You know what...I'LL DO IT! Doug: Couldn't Care less
Doug: Yeah now I have to watch my parents for the weekend without Carrie. Deacon: Just suck it up damn, I mean they took care of you for what 18 years? Doug: Actually 27
Stephanie: It's normal to feel weird without a job, I mean you've been working steady since you were what 16? Doug: 29
Arthur: So, the fact that I'm bored to tears means nothing to you? Holly: Arthur, we invited you to play Trouble with us! Arthur: Your explanation of the rules was incomprehensible!!!
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